Our First Christmas
by Villains' Bad Girl
Summary: It's Barbara's first Christmas with the Griffins. How will it go when Stewie wants to kill Santa Claus? Sequel to Dinner and Murder
1. Holiday Clusterf

_Hey, everyone! I already have the whole story planned out but until the holiday season arrives, this fic will be put on hold. He's a special prologue for you to enjoy!_

* * *

It was Thanksgiving! The Griffins gathered around the TV to watch Thanksgiving football. Barbara sat by the window uninterested in the sport. She gasped and smiled as she saw a tiny white speck fall from the sky.

"Look!" she said pointing.

"What is it, Barbara?" Meg asked.

"Snow! It's starting to snow outside!"

Everyone jumped off the couch and gathered around the window. Sure enough, more tiny specks of snow came falling from the sky. Brian looked at Barbara.

"Christmas is on its way", he said. "Looking forward to it?"

He was happy about it for once this year. This was Barbara's first Christmas with the family. Barbara smiled as shrugged.

"A little bit", she answered. "Not that much."

"Why?" Peter asked. "Christmas is the best time of the year."

"You must already know what this season's about. I mean, come on. It's what fall and winter's made for. Halloween, Thanksgiving and Christmas all on top of each other."

"What are you talking about?" Chris asked.

"Let me explain it", Barbara said as she pulled out the calendar.

Everyone sat down as Barbara started singing while pointing to the holidays on the calendar.

"_It's the holiday clusterfuck, holiday clusterfuck  
Citizens gather together to run amuck  
Buck flying everywhere, folks pulling out their hair  
People are waving while paying with great despair_

_If we don't fill winter with dollar bills  
Then your depression peaks on top  
We'd rather have stress than to be real depressed  
So we all shop until we drop"_

Barbara turned on the TV showing the news reporting holiday cheer beginning to fill the atmosphere.

"_Malls crowded everyplace, nowhere a parking space  
Everyone's screaming "get your ass out of my face"  
Buying kids cheap costumes, lines in all the bathrooms  
Paying a fortune, extortion's now in full bloom_

_People are shoving while claiming they're loving  
That holiday joy they feel  
And your kids feel that joy if you buy the right toy  
Better keep your eyes peeled"_

Barbara opened the door and smiled as she danced beneath the fresh falling snow.

"_Holiday clusterfuck, holiday clusterfuck  
Citizens gather together to run amuck  
Antiques and Christmas cups, suicide rates go up  
Kids whining "buy me a robotic psycho pup"_

_Holidays jumbled, three months is a bundle_  
_To handle with grace and ease_  
_We must make a living so piss of Thanksgiving_  
_And jump straight to Christmas please_

_Going, going and gone!  
Change decorations out on your front lawn  
Losing that magical touch  
Seeing your in-laws three times is too much_

_Trick or treat, merry Christmas  
Going to church for your annual mass  
Kwanzaa, Hanukkah too  
Best get it right, someone's liable to sue"_

Barbara pointed back to the TV showing kids sitting in Santa Claus' lap saying what they want for Christmas while she covered Stewie's ears.

_Holiday clusterfuck, holiday clusterfuck  
Millions of billions find they're just shit out of luck  
Visiting Santa's crib, lying straight to your kids  
Pray they don't need therapy for your tiny fib_

_This shit comes earlier, seems almost every year  
Making us spend away  
Christmas, if we voted should not be promoted  
Right after St. Patrick's Day_

Barbara pulled out the calendar to prove her point.

"_Christmas and Halloween, Thanksgiving in between  
Putting on more weight than Shamu on Lean Cuisine  
Snow falling everywhere, traffic's a real nightmare  
Can't wait for summer, a bummer, we're kind of scared_

_Emotion's flying, our patience is dying  
What happened to all our cheer?  
We whisk money away until Valentine's Day  
Thank god it's just once a year"_

Barbara changed the channel showing holiday specials on every channel.

"_Holiday TV specials  
Watching Santa Claus and Jesus wrestle  
Sending out Christmas cards too  
Wishing good cheer to folks you hardly knew_

_It's the holiday, the holiday…!_

_Holiday clusterfuck, holiday clusterfuck  
When did this time of year full of cheer start to suck?  
_

_Someone cut us a break  
Help us for heaven's sake  
We're frowning while drowning  
Please god, no more fruit cake_

_It lasts for a while so put on your smiles  
Don't let them know how you feel  
We all have to fake it, so shut up and take it  
And chow on your Christmas meal_

_It's the holiday….the holiday….  
Clusterfuck!"_

* * *

Song used: Holiday Clusterfuck by the Nostalgia Critic


	2. All I Really Want For Christmas

_Hey everyone! I'm back! The holidays are coming and I thought now is the time to update!_

* * *

Barbara gave a soft smile as she looked at the ornaments in the box. The Griffins were decorating their house to get into the Christmas mood. Barbara had to admit, even though she didn't care for the season, the house looked beautiful with all the Christmas decorations.

"So does everyone know what they want for Christmas?" Lois asked.

"Oh my god", Meg smiled. "There are so many things I want. I don't know where to start!"

"What about you, Chris?"

"I need to write my list too", he smiled.

"Stewie, what do you want?" Lois asked.

"Yes, what do I want?" he wondered choosing between all the weapons he could think of and Lois dead.

"Why don't we make up our lists then?" Peter asked. "I got so many things to write down."

Barbara sighed as she sat with Brian who was currently reading a book, looking bored.

"What are you reading?" she asked.

"Some book I've read like five times", he answered.

"Aren't you going to make a Christmas list?"

"Don't need to", Brian asked. "I'm not as greedy as these guys are."

They watched the Griffins write down every little thing they could think of as they grew more and more excited for Christmas. Peter smiled as he sang the first item on his list.

"_Jessica Biel and Megan Fox  
Wearing nothing but their socks  
Is all I really want for Christmas this year! "_

"Well that's just not practical", Brian rolled his eyes.

Lois put on a Mexican poncho and a sombrero as she mentioned what was on her list.

"_Spending a week in Mexico  
With some black guys and some blow  
Is all I really want for Christmas this year!"_

"Why don't you spend your own money and do that?" Barbara asked. "Why are you asking someone else to give you that opportunity?"

"Saves me money", Lois answered.

"Oh, that sound terrific", Peter said. "How about you, kids?"

Chris smiled as he wrote his list.

"_I would like a pair of skates, then I'd go out skating.  
But I really don't know how to skate."_

"There, that's more practical then you two", Barbara said looking at Peter and Lois.

Meg smiled as she imagined what her gift would be.

"_I want a Lexus all in pink  
And a dad that doesn't drink."_

"_Oh, that reminds me", _Peter interrupted_. "12 kegs of beer!"_

"_All these happy wishes and lots of Christmas cheer  
Is all I really want this year!"_

"Santa's got his work cut out for him", Brian said with a frown.

"I ain't even gotten started yet", Peter said smirking.

"There's more?" Barbara asked.

"_I want to tour the Spanish Coast",_ Lois smiled imagining her gift.  
_"Lunch with Michael Landon's ghost",_ Peter smiled.  
_"Is all I really want for Christmas this year!"_

"Wait, what?" Lois asked.

"Forget it", Peter said. "Keep going."

"_Jennifer Garner in my bed_", Chris smiled.  
_"Softer voices in my head_", Meg said looking psychotic.  
_"Is all I really want for Christmas this year!"_

Stewie smiled as he wrote down what he wanted.

"_Yellow cake uranium  
Never mind the reason  
Also Chutes and Ladders and a ball!"_

"_Doesn't this seem like too much stuff?"_ Brian asked.

"_Boo on you",_ Peter frowned. _"It's not enough."_

"_Buddy boy, I got your Christmas right here_", Stewie said grabbing his crotch in front of Brian.

"_All these happy wishes and lots of Christmas cheer  
Is all I really want this year!"_

"I have to agree", Barbara said. "Half of these wishes, you can do yourself. You don't need to ask someone to give it all to you."

"I'm just saying it's a bit excessive", Brian said.

"Get off your soap box, Brian", Lois frowned. "It's Christmas."

"Yeah, the time for giving, not demanding", Barbara said.

"Christmas is about getting", Peter frowned. "Everyone in town knows that."

Quagmire smiled as he was surrounded by women who were dominating him.

"_Japanese girls with no restraint  
Just to choke me till I faint  
Is all I really want for Christmas this year!"_

Bonnie smiled as she decorated her house with Joe and their daughter, Susie.

"_Platinum-plated silverware."  
"Just one day when kids don't stare",_ Joe added.  
"_Is all I really want for Christmas this year!"_

The joy was sucked out as Mort Goldman joined in.

"_If you put a Christmas tree in the public airport  
I will go to court and sue your ass  
Happy holidays!"_

"_Wouldn't I love a tinker toy?"_ Mayor West smiled as he wrote his list.  
_"And a little drummer boy!"_ old man Herbert the pervert smiled. _"He can even tap his drum on my rear."_

"_All these happy wishes and lots of Christmas cheer  
Is all I really want this year!"_

"Is nobody listening to us?" Barbara asked.

"Not one person", Brian frowned as he turned on the news to see Tom Tucker joining in the cheer.

"_I want a golden moustache comb"  
"And some spermicidal foam",_ Angela said appearing from under Tom's desk.  
_"That's all I really want for Christmas this year!"_

Lois' father, Carter was out of town as he normally was during the holidays.

"_I want a brand new pitching wedge"  
"I would like more lemon pledge",_ Consuela said as she cleaned as always.  
_"That's all I really want for Christmas this year!"_

The town's gay, Bruce joined in full of cheer.

_"I just want a wedding ring from someone named Jeffrey."_  
_"I just want some colored Easter eggs!" Jillian said celebrating the wrong holiday._

"_I want a Blu-ray of The Wiz",_ Carl said bored.  
_"We don't know what "Christmas" is",_ the tanned foreign guys said joining.  
_We have something else called "Kishkev Fufleer!"_

"_All these happy wishes and lots of Christmas cheer  
Is all I really want this year!"_

Barbara frowned and shook her head.

"I only want one thing and it's much better than what everyone else wants", she said. "Know what that is, Brian?"

"I have no idea", he answered.

"All I really want for Christmas are our own puppies."

"Puppies?" Brian asked shocked.


	3. At the Mall

_I know I said I wouldn't continue this till the holidays come, but I don't know how long this would take me to finish so I want to get this finished by December at least._

* * *

The Griffins made their way through the mall doing some last-minute Christmas shopping. The mall looked so beautiful with its Christmas decorations. Brian and Barbara were taking Stewie to see the mall's Santa Claus.

"I am so excited to see Santa Claus", Stewie said with a smile on his face. "You know what I think is really wonderful? Out of all the malls in this great country of ours, he chooses to come here year after year. You know? I mean, who are we? You know? I'll tell you who we are, the lucky ones."

"Well remember if you be a good boy, Santa will give you what you ask for", Barbara smiled.

"Uh oh", Brian said as they looked at the line.

The line was about two miles long.

"Oh my god, look at the line!" Barbara said with wide eyes.

"Damn it, we're going to be here forever", Brian frowned.

"Hey, wait!" Stewie said. "Look, there's Quagmire way up front. We can cut in line with him!"

"Stewie, that's not a good idea", Barbara said.

"Stewie, he doesn't like me so much", Brian said.

Stewie ignored their words and ran ahead to where Quagmire stood with a young child with thin hair.

"Glen?" Brian said pretending to be surprised. "Glen Quagmire? Wow, what are you doing here?"

"Oh, hi Brian", Quagmire said frowning at them. "Just waiting for Santa like everyone else."

"Oh cool, cool. We'll just hang with you guys. And who's this cute little guy? Is this your nephew?"

Brian smiled as he knelt next to the kid.

"Hey, buddy", he said. "You here to see Santa? Yeah, hope you've been a good boy this year."

Right away the kid started to cry.

"That little guy is my niece, Abby, you douche!" Quagmire yelled glaring. "Her hair's short because of the chemotherapy!"

"Uh oh", Stewie said not helping.

"Hey, calm down", Barbara said. "It's an honest mistake."

"Do you know how much talking it took to get her out of the house because of her no-hair?" Quagmire continued.

"Oh, gosh I didn't know", Brian said. "I'm so sorry."

"Oh you're sorry? For what? Is waiting in line such a catastrophe that you have to destroy the confidence of a five-year-old cancer patient?"

"Oh, come on. I didn't know she was dying."

Abby started crying harder.

"Brian!" Barbara said shocked. "Honey, right you should just stop talking before you piss him off even worse."

"Who said anything about dying?" Quagmire glared.

"Uncle Glen, am I dying?" Abby asked.

"No, sweetheart, you're not dying. Cause we're going to see Santa and he's going to bring you a new brain."

He turned to Brian glaring.

"Get out of here, Brian. Just get out of here!"

Brian looked down as he walked away. Barbara walked with him putting a comforting paw on his shoulder. She looked up to see all the kids and adults glaring at Brian.

"What? It was an honest mistake!" she said. "Come on, it's Christmas. Can't you forgive him?"

"Spirit-crusher!" someone in line yelled.

"Oh, you know what you can all just go (bleep) yourselves! Merry Christmas, assholes!"

"Should've gone into politics, Bri", Stewie frowned. "Now we got to go all the way to the back of the line."

"Stewie, don't start", Barbara said. "I am in no mood for this."

"What the hell? Why isn't the line moving?"

"I don't know it's always the same", Brian said. "Some fat kid sitting on Santa's lap taking all day."

What they didn't see was Peter sitting on Santa's lap giggling like a little boy.

"And I want a Charles in Charge lunchbox and I want a Magna-Doodle, and a new Uno game on account of I lost the draw two card, and I want a pet animal that's half chinchilla and half mink, 'cause it'd be really soft and I could call it "Chink" and that's okay."


	4. Go to the North Pole

Barbara tapped her foot as she, Brian and Stewie waited in line at the mall. The clock read 9:55 pm. They had been waiting for over two hours.

"Doesn't the mall close soon?" Brian asked. 'We've been here forever."

"Would you relax?" Stewie asked. "We're right here. I'm next."

The kid currently sitting on Santa's lap left with his mom, giving Stewie the chance to finally talk to Santa.

"Hello, Santa", he said. "Now, we got a slight problem here because I have been rather naughty. But you're a business man, I'm a business man. I'm sure we can…work something…out."

Stewie pulled a dollar from his pocket, holding it in front of Santa with a smile. Santa checked his watch before posting up a sign that read "**Closed to feed the reindeer. See you tomorrow**!" he said nothing as he got up and left.

"Hey, what are you doing?" Stewie asked. "Santa, you can't leave now!"

"What do you think you're going?" Barbara asked. "Can't you wait for one measly minute and take a picture with the kid?"

"Hey, buddy!" Brian spoke up. "We've been in line for like two hours."

"Sorry, I'm done", Santa said. "If you want your kid to sit on my lap, meet me at the bar at Applebee's."

"Oh, that sucks!" Brian said as Santa walked away. "Sorry, Stewie."

"Don't let it get you down", Barbara said. "We can come back tomorrow if you like."

"That son of a bitch!" Stewie said enraged. "He just turned his back on me, the way reality turned its back on Gary Busey!"

"Don't remind me", Barbara said. "I hate that smile of his. Come on, let's go home."

She picked up Stewie and carried him to the car. She looked at Brian who said nothing on the ride home.

"Hey, I know what'll cheer you guys up. When we get home, let's bake some cookies. I can fix up a cup of hot chocolate with marshmallows. Would you like that, Stewie?"

Stewie said nothing as he crossed his arms looking angry.

"Just leave him alone", Brian said. "He'll get over it."

Brian parked in the driveway when they arrived home. Stewie slammed the door open as he stomped upstairs.

"Hey, how was the mall?" Lois asked. "Did Stewie see Santa?"

"That guy was a douche", Barbara said. "The minute we got there, he left."

"Oh, Stewie must be so disappointed. Do you and Brian want to help? We're decorating the tree."

Everyone smiled as they opened the box of ornaments and started decorating the Christmas tree. Stewie came downstairs with a backpack and held out his hand to Brian.

"Give me your keys", he said. "I need your car."

"What?" Brian asked. "You're not taking my car."

"Stewie, you're one year old", Barbara said. "You can't drive."

"Very well", he said. "Then you guys are driving me."

He grabbed Brian's collar and pulled him toward the door.

"Driving you where?" Brian asked.

"To the North Pole to see Santa Claus. If that beslobbering onion maggot pie thinks he could just blow me off like that, he's got another thing coming!"

"Don't you think you're taking this a little too far?" Barbara asked.

"Look, Stewie, I know you're disappointed that you didn't get to see Santa", Brian said. "I'm not driving you to the North Pole."

"Everyone, Quagmire's niece is in the ICU", Lois said getting off the phone. "I think we should go down there to support him."

"What?" Brian asked.

"Yeah, apparently something happened at the mall and she took a turn for the worse. They don't know how much time she has left. Quagmire just called and he's really upset. It doesn't sound like he wants us there for some reason, but we'll go anyway."

"Alright, let's go to the North Pole", Brian said to Stewie.

"Yeah, we should leave", Barbara said.


	5. Kill Santa Claus

Stewie napped as Brian drove.

"We're not seriously going to the North Pole?" Barbara asked. "There's no such thing, is there?"

"Stewie doesn't know that", he said as they drove past a sign.

"Burriville, Rhode Island, home of Santa's Village and Gift shop?"

"It's just a theme park. Stewie won't know the difference."

Brian parked the car and gently shook Stewie awake.

"Hey, Stewie", he said. "Wake up. We're here. We're at the North Pole."

Stewie yawned as he woke and opened his eyes.

"North Pole?"

He looked out the window to see the entrance gate to the theme park. Stewie jumped out of the car excited.

"North Pole!" he said jumping. "North Pole! There it is! My word, I really must've been asleep."

Barbara and Brian followed Stewie as he ran to the gate. Stewie kept a smile on his face as he looked at the snow covered area and stood in front of the sign that said North Pole.

"Ah, look at this, Brian. The tip of the earth. Okay, let's go see Santa Claus."

"Alright, let's go", Brian said.

Barbara held Stewie's hand as they walked through the park. She looked at him worried and leaned over toward Brian.

"What's going to happen if he finds out this is all fake?" she whispered.

"Don't worry about it and don't say anything to him", he whispered back.

"Well, this is rather festive, isn't it?" Stewie asked looking around. "Small."

The smile on Stewie's face went away as he looked at all the attractions. There was a sleigh ride you had to pay a quarter for. There was a goat with antlers tied to its head.

"Look, it has to be small because of all the tiny elves", Brian said trying to keep him happy.

"Ah, that's right. Good point. Elves."

"Yo, yo, what's up, ya'll?" they heard.

In front of them stood a teenager dressed up as in elf. He stood behind a souvenir stand selling t-shirts.

"Ya'll ready to kick it in some fine North Pole gear?" he asked.

"Brian, why does the North Pole have black teenagers?" Stewie asked.

"Uh…" Brian said thinking. "Um…from Katrina?"

"No one ever said the elves were all white", Barbara shrugged.

"Ah, of course", Stewie nodded. "Alright. I just have one more question, then."

He pulled out a ray gun and aimed at Brian.

"Do you think I'm an idiot?! Do you?!"

"Look Stewie, the North Pole is a long and dangerous—"

Stewie hit Brian across the face, knocking him down.

"Hey!" Barbara said. "No rough-housing! Santa sees this, you won't get anything you want for Christmas!"

"You can't jerk me around when it comes to Santa Claus", Stewie said. "There's a ferris wheel here and a guy hosing vomit. Nobody vomits at the North Pole, except for Santa's wife because she has an eating disorder!"

"What?" Brian and Barbara asked confused.

"Yeah, because he can have anyone he wants and she knows that!"

"Stewie, just pull yourself together!" Brian said.

"I won't, Brian! Now get back in that hippy car of yours and take me to the North Pole, now!"

"Okay, look I know you're upset. Why don't you just sit down, write out your Christmas list and I'll be sure I send it to Santa."

"I can help you if you want", Barbara suggested.

"Screw that", Stewie said. "This was never about Christmas."

"Well, then why do you want to go all the way to the North Pole?" Brian asked.

"Because…I'm going to kill Santa Claus."

"You can't be serious", Barbara said. "Just because Santa blows you off at the mall, you have to kill him and destroy everyone's Christmas?"

"If I can't be happy, then no one can."


	6. On the Road

Stewie kept his ray gun aimed at Brian as they walked back to the car.

"Now, let's go", he said. "I got it all planned out. I'm going to see the workshop, pet a few reindeer, take a few pictures of me and Santa, and then I'm going to blow his brains out, hopefully with his bitch wife watching."

"This is ridiculous", Brian said. "We are not going to the North Pole. Trust me, it's a waste of time. You're not going to find Santa."

"Why not?" Stewie asked.

"Because there's no such…"

Barbara looked at him worried. Was he really going to crush Stewie's holiday spirit any more than it already had been? Even Stewie was looking at him worried about what Brian was about to say.

"Because when you get there, you may find out it wasn't what you thought it was. I wouldn't want you to be disappointed."

"That's it?" Stewie asked unconvinced. "That's your reason? You know why nothing works out for you, Brian?"

"Stewie, let's not go there", Barbara said.

"No, he needs to know. It's cause he has a negative attitude. Like Eeyore."

"Aw, come on", Barbara said. "I like Eeyore."

* * *

_Winnie the Pooh smiled as he looked at Eeyore who sat with a gloomy look on his face._

"_Come on Eeyore", Pooh said. "Let's go play."_

"_I don't feel like it", Eeyore sighed._

"_Why are you always in such a…bad mood?"_

"_I have a nail in my anus", Eeyore said motioning to the tail that was nailed into him._

"_Oh."_

* * *

"That's not fair!" Brian said. "I don't think I have a negative attitude. I just…don't think it's a good idea embarking on a potentially dangerous journey."

"Honey", Barbara said nudging him.

She pointed to a truck driving away with Stewie riding shotgun.

"Say yes to life, Brian!" he said. "I'll be home for Christmas!"

"Stewie, what are you doing?" Barbara called.

"I'm going to kill Santa with or without your help", he said waving.

"Son of a bitch!" Brian said glaring. "Get in the car."

Barbara got in the car as Brian started the engine. They pulled out of the parking lot to follow the truck Stewie was in. Snow began to fall as they drove behind the truck.

"Brian, this is crazy", Barbara said. "Why can't Stewie listen to reason?"

"There's never any reasoning with him", he answered.

They continued following Stewie into Massachusetts, New Hampshire and Maine which took them all night. The next morning, they made it to the Canadian border.

"Do you want me to drive?" Barbara asked seeing how tired Brian looked.

"Don't be ridiculous", he said. "You don't have a license and we can't afford to switch places. We'll lose them."

"Sorry. Just trying to help."

They drove in silence until Barbara spoke again.

"Brian, look!" she gasped.

The truck had suddenly caught fire and was now swerving out of control, driving into oncoming traffic and back to the other lane.

"Brian!" Barbara yelled in fear as he swerved trying to avoid crashing.

She screamed and jumped into the back seat as a tire came crashing through the windshield. Brian lost control as he drove into an oil spill and brought the car screeching to a halt in the snow by the side of the road. He and Barbara fell out of the car, into the snow.


	7. No Santa

Barbara got up rubbing the bump on her head. She saw Brian laying on the other side of the car.

"Brian!" she gasped.

She ran to him and helped him up.

"Brian, are you okay?" she asked.

"A little banged up", Brian said. "Are you okay?"

Barbara said nothing as she hugged him. Brian smiled and hugged her back. Over her shoulder, he saw Stewie brushing the snow off.

"Oh my god! Stewie, are you alright? What the hell happened?"

"Ah, just some stupid stuff went down", Stewie mumbled.

"You could've been killed!" Brian said. "I could've been killed! Barbara could've been killed! Look at my car!"

"Well, you know, if you had just taken me to the real North Pole to see Santa, none of this would've happened."

"Stewie, I'm starting to get tired of this attitude of yours", Barbara said getting fed up from Stewie's behavior.

"Then don't stick around to put up with it", Stewie said standing on the side of the road with his thumb out.

"What is this?" Brian asked. "What are you doing?"

"Hitching a ride", he answered. "I'll keep heading north till I see Santa."

"Stewie, you're not going to find him."

"You do what you want. I'm going to the North Pole and I'm going to kill that bastard!"

"Stewie, you're putting me in a hell of a position here", Brian said. "And I have no choice."

"Brian…" Barbara said.

"No, he needs to hear this. He can't let this go on."

Brian looked Stewie in the eye and said what he tried so hard to hide.

"You're not going to kill Santa Claus because he doesn't exist."

Stewie looked at him and started chuckling.

"Really, Brian?" he asked. "He doesn't exist?"

"That's right", Brian said. "He's not real."

"Oh, interesting. Interesting theory, Brian. Who else isn't real? You going to tell me that Elmo isn't real? Huh? Spongebob? Is he not real? Is Spongebob not there at the bottom of the ocean giving Squidward the business? Hmm? And what about Curious George? Does he not really exist? Is Curious George really not out there making little boats out of newspapers he should be delivering? Educate yourself, you fool."

"Stewie", Barbara said kneeling in front of him. "Please listen to reason. I always thought Santa was real too. When I was a puppy, all I ever wanted was for Santa to take me away from those dog fights and give me a real family. I waited for him every year hoping my wish would come true. But, it never came true. Santa never came for me. I was left there to fend for myself until I met Brian. I can tell you Santa Claus is not real."

Stewie sighed and looked down for a minute. He turned to Brian.

"I'll tell you what", he said. "You take me to the North Pole, and if Santa isn't there, I'll do something for you."

"What?" Brian asked.

"When Lois does that middle-of-the-night feeding when she doesn't even open her eyes or even wake up? I'll let you take that for me, Brian."

"Are you serious?" Brian asked with his eyes wide.

"Quite."

"Okay, you got a deal."

"Hell no!" Barbara said grabbing Brian's ear. "Brian, if you keep this up, I will take you to the vet myself and get you fixed!"

* * *

Brian lifted the hood of the car to see what was wrong. They were stuck halfway through Canada and the engine wasn't working. They heard a truck pull over to the side of the road.

"Oh, hey there", the driver said. "Having some car trouble, eh?"

"Yeah, we're trying to get to the North Pole", Stewie said. "I don't suppose you're from AAA, are you?"

"Who?" the driver asked.

"AAA, you know? A-A-A?"

"Oh, AA, eh? Yeah, I just came from AA."

"Not AA", Barbara said. "AAA."

"That's what I said", the driver said. "AA, eh?"

"Stewie, I think he's just a drunk", Brian said.

"Drunk or not, can he help us?" Stewie asked. "We just need some help with the car."

"Oh, I see", the driver said. "Looks like you got some water leakage. You might need a hose, eh?"

"Jose, Roberto, whatever", Stewie said. "If you know any Latinos up here that can help us, that'd be great."

"No, what you need is a part, eh?"

"Look, when we're done fixing the car, we can celebrate some other time."

"Look, we don't have enough cash to fix the car", Brian said ending the craziness. "We're kind of on our way to the North Pole."

"Oh, a car won't take you there anyway", the driver said. "But if you want, you can take my snowmobile."

"A snowmobile?" Barabra gasped happily. "I've always wanted to ride one!"

"Really?" Brian asked. "You'd just give it to us?"

"Oh sure!" the driver said. "That's what Canadian hospitality's all about. If you like, you can have all my money and my leg."

Brian, Barbara and Stewie looked at him with wide eyes. This Canadian drunk sure was weird.

"Alright", Stewie answered.


	8. Night in a Cabin

Barbara held onto Brian as he drove the snowmobile. Stewie held onto her as he rode on the back. He was also holding onto the leg of the Canadian drunk that told them they could have the snowmobile, his money, and his leg.

"Why did we take his leg?" Brian asked.

"We're in their country, Brian", Stewie said. "We need to observe their customs. Uh-oh!"

Brian hit a bump, making Stewie lose his grip on the leg which went flying over the snow.

"Eh, we didn't need it anyway", Barbara shrugged.

"Well, at least we're done with their first _leg_ of our journey", Stewie joked.

"Ha!" Brian laughed.

"Damn right ha."

They continued riding through the Canadian mountains heading north. It wasn't long before the sun began to set.

"Brian, look", Barbara smiled.

The sun setting behind the mountains gave off an orange glow. The mountains had a mixed color of orange and purple looking beautiful as the sun disappeared.

The moon rose as they rode into the night. Barbara shivered. The night brought colder temperatures and they were still heading north.

"How long have we been driving?" Stewie asked.

"I don't know", Brian said. "I lost track. Besides, dogs don't have a good sense of time. Could be three hours, could be three years. I don't (bleep)ing know."

"No need for language, Brian", Barbara said.

"We should be far north by now", Stewie said.

"Hey, you're right! There's the aurora borealis!"

Brian, Barbara and Stewie looked up at the night sky to see bright lights dancing across the sky.

"It's beautiful", Barbara said.

"Yes", Stewie said pointing. "There's the aurora Boreanaz."

In the middle of the lights, the face of David Boreanaz suddenly appeared.

"Hi there", he said. "Things are kind of beautiful up north, huh?"

"Who's that guy?" Barbara asked.

No one bother to answer. The snowmobile's engine sputtered to a stop.

"Oh no, we're out of gas", Brian said.

"Out of gas?"

"It's freezing out here", Barbara shivered. "What are we going to do now?"

"Maybe I can help", David Boreanaz said. "There's an old abandoned hunting cabin about two miles north. You can spend the night there and then resume your journey in the morning."

"Thanks, David!" Stewie said. "Guess there are a few stars in the sky tonight."

As they began walking, it began to snow. The snow came down hard, making the journey even more difficult.

"Are we cold?" Barbara shivered. "I don't know how much farther I can go."

"We'll get there soon", Brian said wrapping his arm around her.

Together, Barbara, Brian and Stewie made it to the abandoned cabin. Brian busted open the door allowing everyone inside. Inside there was a couch and a bearskin rug.

"Okay, this should do for the night", Brian said.

"You should get some sleep, Stewie", Barbara said. "Tomorrow's a long day."

She picked him up and laid him down on the couch. Stewie yawned as he closed his eyes. Barbara smiled and turned to see Brian getting a fire started in the fireplace. She turned and watched the snow falling.

"You tired?" Brian asked.

"Not particularly", Barbara answered. "I just love watching the snow."

He sat next to her as they watched the snow.

"I hope we can get home in time for Christmas", Barbara said as she rested her head on Brian's chest.

"_What better way to tell you  
How much you mean to me  
Than a token of affection  
Placed beneath the Christmas tree"_

Brian smiled as he wrapped his arms around her in a warm hug.

"_The custom started long, long ago  
When first the Wise Men Three_

_Gave gifts of love…  
Of love…  
To a newborn baby."_

_Song used: the Wedding Song from Santa Claus is Coming to Town_


	9. Santa Claus

The next morning, Stewie, Brian and Barbara continued their journey to the North Pole on foot. This day was much rougher than the day before. They were cold. They were tired. They were hungry. Stewie refused to give up his quest to kill Santa.

"Are you sure we aren't lost?" Barbara shivered.

"I don't know where we are", Brian said. "It's hopeless. We're going to die out here."

Stewie ignored them as they pressed on further north.

"I'm so cold", Barbara said. "I don't know how much further I can go."

"Brian, Barbara, look!"

In front of them was a giant wall with a red and white stripped gate.

"My god", Stewie said. "We made it! The North Pole! See? Boom! Right there! I told you! This is where Santa Claus lives! In your face!"

"I don't believe it", Brian said. "It's here."

"Damn right it's here!"

"It's real", Barbara said. "Well if Santa is really here I have a few things to say to that fat man about leaving me in hell!"

Stewie ran ahead to open the gate. As he pushed the giant doors open, he Brian and Barbara were met with an ugly site. The North Pole was nothing but a gloomy factory with smoke pouring out of the smokestacks.

"This can't be it", Stewie said. "This can't be Santa's workshop. This looks like Bridgeport, Connecticut."

"Oh boy", Brian said rolling his eyes. "Get ready for the letters."

* * *

_A fat man sat at his desk writing his rants._

_"Dear Family Guy Bastards, Who the hell do you think you are?! I'll have you know that Bridgeport is among the world leaders in abandoned buildings, shattered glass, boarded-up windows, wild dogs and gas stations without pumps. So eat my (bleep), Jew writers!"_

* * *

"I don't care about the letters", Barbara said. "What happened here? I thought this place was supposed to be cheerful."

"Whatever sort of trick this is, I will not be deterred!" Stewie said marching up to the workshop. "I'm not leaving until Santa Claus is dead by my hand!"

He knocked on the door and held out his gun for whoever answered. The door slowly opened to reveal Santa Claus himself. He looked horrible. His skin looked a pale yellow. He was incredibly thin.

"Oh my god", Brian gasped. "You're Santa Claus."

"Yeah", he answered. "Who are you?"

"I'm Stewie Griffin. And I'm going to kill you!"

To everyone's surprise, Santa sighed in relief.

"Oh, thank god!"

"What?" Stewie asked confused.

"Do it!" Santa said getting to his knees. "Please! Put me out of my misery!"

"You want me to kill you?"

He grabbed the gun and put the barrel in his mouth.

"Come on! What are you waiting for? Pull the trigger!"

"Well, there isn't a great deal of sport in that", Stewie said pulling the gun away.

Santa started wheezing and coughing hard. Brian and Barbara gasped as he collapsed face down in the snow.


End file.
